back in november i thought i'd figured it all out, having seen there's no me separate from life. i was high on this new insight and determined to find a way to wake the world up to it! i was full of rage at the delusion of separation that causes suffering and frustrated that i couldn't wake everyone up immediately. turned out this was a cute first baby step.
then in march my cat got sick and i nursed her for 30 days and she died. the vet told me she would not recover, but i did not want to choose the time of her death for her so we tried to make her comfortable at home.
i don't know about anyone else, but there's never been anything like caring faithfully and tenderly for someone i love, all the while knowing that they will die.
the thought of 'me' was only in the way of the experience and became silenced in the immensity of what WAS. i could not fight with what was inevitable. i could not bargain or find a story that made me feel better.
after the cat died my body's immune system was trashed from grief and stress. i got sick and was literally on my back in bed for 7 days. i could think about nothing. utter rest.
again, not speaking for anyone else, it is very clear, always here and now, that this is the condition of being at all times. this is the breaking open wide of my heart. there's nothing possible but conditionless love of it all, whatever it is, and loving it into death.
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