i know i got my answer it was my answer because no one else was asking the question. i couldn't verbalize the question because it formed from conditioning like a snowball into a giant snow boulder over the years. i held the question close and it leaked out through all the holes in my facade in the false structure of separation the conditioning created.
when i say the conditioning i mean the way my mind grew to believe something was wrong, out of place, missing, lost, lacking with my life. the conditioning of my mind said i had to behave right versus wrong and find salvation for my soul so i looked for the salvation for a long time until someone mentioned i might consider looking for the soul.
lo and behold all the great sages were right and there is nothing separate. the wholeness of each moment is never not here. even in the middle of a great movement of mind to exert the sense of me of self into an experience, there is never not wholeness. its funny how all the fancy and previously confusing descriptions about this make sense now. they never lit my way before. they only made me hungry for the missing piece to be found.
there is a very subtle click in the mind, when it is seen that there is no missing piece. there is a moment by moment, now by now, just-being-ness that has always been, but can now be felt directly, since the veil of separation is seen through. i listen to opinions and i feel less and less of an urge to pick one. opinions seem silly now. how could it possibly matter if i say 'this!' or 'that!'?
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